Struggling

It's 4 in the morning. I can't sleep. I had a dream about my dad. Nothing major, but he was in it. We were talking about his golf tournament and songwriters concert and something that happened this week. If you know me, you know what a special event this is for me. I've done the photography for the event for the past two years. I've loved every minute of it. Two years ago, my dad was there. He had his last radiation treatment on the day of the tournament. He was in his element. Two of his favorite past times combined. Golf and music. Dad and his company put it on. Its grown every year. The last picture I have of me and my dad was taken that day. Last year was so special because it was a tribute to his life. He had been gone three months. (One of the song writers that always plays at the tournament, sang at Dad's funeral.) I cried through much of it last year, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else in the world.

Doing the photography for the event was a way for me to stay connected to Dad and something he loved. My kids love the concert. The recordings of it are on their iPods. I found out this week that they have hired a national golf photography company to come in and shoot the event. It has broken my heart. I've tried to say it doesn't really matter, but it does...to me. It's loosing a connection I had with my dad. It was something that I could uniquely give to my dad. They have said that my pictures are awesome and they aren't trying to replace me. I'm sure it's not a slight against me. The tournament is getting bigger and this company can do things for them that I can't yet. But taking pictures for this event was deeply personal to me.

I will miss it. In a way it's like loosing a part of my dad all over again.